Before You Name Me

Hello. It's me again.
But which "me", are you asking yourself? Hardly.
I know - it's been like this for years.
The collective indifference and the ugly attitude inspired me a lot, because they carry within themselves a gift: the one who has eyes to see and a heart to feel will find in them a reason for awakening.
Let me explain.
It was this blur that sent me into the depths of my soul.
It prompted me to swim in the dark depths of my being - day after day.
To explore and dig through every trauma.
To ask myself questions. Not to answer myself. To search. Not to find.
To get lost. To wander. To suffer. To fall - and all from high places.
To swim ever deeper - without air, without shore, without direction or meaning.
But not to stop.
Because I had no other choice.
Am I who I am if I like things that I don't really like?
And what does it even mean to like something in a world where you are constantly told what you are, what you are, why you are, what you should and shouldn't be?
Questions that most people don't want to answer for themselves.
Because it's easier to judge others than to look at ourselves.
"Everyone sees what they carry in their heart." - Goethe
And when there is fear, malice or confusion inside - there will be the same outside.
I stand on the threshold of my consciousness, opening doors that I didn't suspect existed.
And I'm scared. And I'm happy. And I laugh. And I cry. And it hurts. But I don't stop.
I don't know if I've ever liked having short hair, but I've had it for most of my life.
And as a reward, I received numerous comparisons, definitions, personifications and mockery. They called me epithets whose meaning I didn't even know.
I looked at myself in other people's mirrors and saw in myself a sad, bad, inadequate person.
I listened to other people's voices that clearly defined my essence and image:
"transvestite", "man", "hermaphrodite" - words that still echo in the quiet corners of my mind.
Lurking around some corner, in some look, in a random sentence.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not Mother Teresa. But over the years I've realized the truly important things - about myself. And I see pain, ridicule and disrespect for the human soul every day, and that scares and saddens me.
I wasn't hiding from you, but from myself. But it took me years to realize it.
Soon an acquaintance said:
"Now that you have long hair, at least they won't mistake you."
- Yes - I answered. - No.
But what does it really mean to confuse someone?
Every day we confuse the world. We confuse ourselves and others.
We urgently need rehumanization and humanity.
Of quiet understanding, of compassion, of conscious presence.
The long, “feminine” hair appeared, not because I didn’t want to be “confused”, but because I wanted to give it away.
To give a piece of myself to someone in need.
Because I believe that there are things that depend on us.
And if everyone gives something of themselves – a society with more kindness and meaning is possible.
I never imagined that I would ever see myself in this form.
But, oh, how much this girl in the photos gave me.
And even less did I believe that I would be afraid to cut it off again.
Fear of looks, of words, of whispers and unconsciousness.
But there is something stronger in me than fear – the desire to give of myself.
To contribute. To be. To no longer hide.
It took me a lifetime to realize this project.
Because it is not built only from the photos you see.
It is made up of years of wandering into the core of my true self –
until I find that which will save me.
That which has nothing to do with the opinions of others.
Today I dedicate this project to all those who have ever been – or are –
attacked, insulted and hurt because of their appearance.
You are not alone.
You have value.
And you are beautiful.
Beautiful, not because you fit in. But because you are.
The beauty of the soul is beyond definition.
Or as Madonna said, “Labels are for clothes, not people.”
Let’s think for a moment:
Every word, every taunt, every “innocent” definition can leave a non-healing wound in someone’s soul.
If we cannot understand the other – let us at least not judge him.
Do we understand ourselves completely?
Have you confused me now… or have you recognized yourself?
I leave that to you.